Yesterday, was quite an emotional day for me. The final chapter closed, my daughter 17, gone, in the legal sense. We had our last court date sealing my decision – God’s decision – from May 14 to let my daughter go live with her father for the first time in her life.
My heart broken, but this had to be done to protect my boys, my dad and myself.
The past nine months have been trying, taxing on all of us. So many changes, a mother gone in the heavens above, my daughter escaping grief, my dad off in his own little world, oldest boy caught between the messes, my little one regressing to early toddler-hood.
When can I breathe normal? Is there a normal? What truly is normal?
Sadly for years normal to me has been daily “CHAOS.” As I sit here, I am reminded what I’ve been told for many, many years – “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle!”
I have asked God, “How can you think I can handle all this mess on my own?, How can I survive this?, Is it really getting worse? The past few months, I begin to see clearly, I do.
God is telling me “You handle, crazy chaos, quite well – when your ready, run to me and do your crazy chaos with me fully!!!” I have been taking those steps to run to him, I have given him my daughter full-heartedly, he strengthens me everyday through this unthinkable life change.
In this transition without my daughter, my “little angel” – life seems less chaotic without her constant opposition, without my middle son & her bickering, without the lies & stealing. However, hard & chaotic my life was, it was “My Normal”, now I’m learning what my “New Normal” is, still chaotic but new, new in God’s arms fully.
I have my “boo, hoo” days, my “God am I still strong enough” days, the “I want to stay in bed and crawl in a hole” days – but I am reminded constantly – Count my gifts God gives me daily, “Nothing that happens today can separate me from God’s Love and His Purpose for my life.”
Is my chapter closed with my daughter, or has it just begun? . . .
1 Month later. . .
I see it now, This is my beginning, of a new tomorrow, patiently waiting for my daughter to see God’s Love in my actions, to see her doings and ask him for forgiveness. to trust in God to cleanse her and live her life fully with God – her true father holding her tight – knowing he has never left her side all her life, through thick & thin.